Deep thoughts today. I’ve been thinking a lot about vision and how it affects everything. Last year was the hardest year I’ve been through (vulnerable moment here) and truth be told when I boil it down as to why, it’s because I lost vision. That can happen when you become a mom. Life changes so drastically that it can leave you grappling for any semblance of who you are. That plus a myriad of other circumstances left me feeling lost and confused. It was only in the last couple of months that I have been able to process what happened and allow myself to heal. It’s really only now that I feel confident enough to begin to discuss it.
So vision. I’ve always had vision. Always been able to dream of and concoct a view of a better today and tomorrow. I’ve always been able to see the silver lining. Because of that I’ve been able to move through struggle after struggle and victory after victory without really missing a beat. I’d just refer back to my vision and keep going. This threw me off… no vision. No idea what to do or where to go with life. Hopeless. Truth be told I don’t know how I lost it. Probably because I just stopped fostering it.
It’s a terrible feeling. Sickening really, to lose your vision. Consequently I have so much more compassion for those who struggle in this area. I have felt your pain deeply. Vision is worth fighting for because without it we can get so lost and depressed.
So how do you get vision or get it back? Make a choice. We are not as powerless as we sometimes allow ourselves to think. There’s something called “The Four D’s.” Decision. Desire. Details. Deliverance. My mother-in-law taught me this philosophy and I used it to pull myself out of that pit.
Make a decision to do something. So many times we wait for passion for something or for the whole road map to appear before making any kind of choice. It doesn’t always work that way, certainly didn’t for me. So I decided to start including my devotional time again. It had slipped through the cracks about a month after Bella was born because I couldn’t figure out how to juggle everything. Everyday I set aside a time where I pray, listen to worship music, read the Bible, and speak affirmations over myself.
Furthermore, I started searching out conversations with my husband and friends for dream building. At first I would just listen, but then I started to contribute, on a general scale then to a more personal one.
Lastly, with no inkling toward any particular passion I thought I might give blogging a try. I was suffering from PPD, 30 lbs overweight, living with my in-laws, with no money to buy clothes let alone anything else needed for blogging when I started this blog. But it wasn’t about what I didn’t have. It was about what I could do with what I had. It was a rocky path at first, but as I was diligent to do those three things I started to get vision again, slowly but surely.
It didn’t take near as long as I thought for passion to come back into my life, maybe a month or 6 weeks. Yet there it was, creeping up on me. I’d find myself in instances where I would be talking passionately about blogging, or music, or God, or family. I would almost surprise myself. Things started getting exciting again. I found myself rambling on to Will about various songs or blogging details. Why? Because I was passionate!
This step took a bit longer to come through, but details started to work out. I discovered which way I wanted my music career to go (an 8 year old question I had been trying to answer). I discovered that I really love fashion and lifestyle blogging (which was a huge leap out of my comfort zone at first). Lastly I discovered how to make it all work together. Oh sure I’m still a ways a way from seeing the vision I have completed, and I’m sure it’ll morph along the way. But I have my eyes set ahead, and my joy in the now.
This was actually a bit painful. I asked God to rid me of any crippling mindset that had developed in the last year that was holding me back and/or heal me of any wound I had incurred from the last season. I wanted it done by the end of the year. Ready to move on, I didn’t want to dilly dally with this. He answered. There were many fears and woundings that popped up at the end of last year, that I had to work through. Usually through bursting out into tears and talking about it/praying about it with Will and like that it would be done. Literally don’t know what I’d do without him. But I leaned into the healing. Sometimes healing can hurt, but it’s never worse than the pain you’re going through. All of a sudden little pieces of me would come back. Before I knew it, I was back. I am back, and it feels glorious.
Anyway, I just wanted to share this because I thought it might help someone out there. If you’re struggling with vision or lack thereof, don’t stop fighting. I know it can be tiring. Believe me the process I described above didn’t look near as pretty as it sounds. It was long, tiring, and I almost gave up on fighting more than once. The important thing is to try, and keep trying, and keep trying. The Bible promises us that if we resist the devil he will flee. It doesn’t say how long we’ll have to resist. Sometimes longer other times shorter. But if you keep fighting until you find what works for you, it will pay off. The Lord wants us all to have vision, especially His vision. If you ask, He’ll help you the way He helped me.
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